hmmmm

So, last year Wendy mentioned that she had a private blog just for extra thoughts of hers that she didn't want to make public. I've thought about doing it on and off, but I hardly have the time to keep up with what I have... has always been enough of an excuse for me to not do it. Now between learning more about how closed and bottled up I'm from Amy, forcing me into uncomfortable territory (on our Nicaraguan trip) and having to share my thoughts and emotions with her, and re-reading some of the beyond Consequences, logic and control has made me realize I've got to learn more about my fears and emotional states. I've got to become in control of myself and self regulate so that I can help my kids. Not just my adopted kids, but my biological children. Little things happen and I freak out and it's due to how I was as a child (?) and those fears come tumbling out of me I guess or think or I'm beginning to think that. I have always preferred to figure out other people and help other people thinking I'm in control and fine. But I've always been a bit unstable and even at my strongest points pretty fearful, but I would just push though/forward. The first time I read BCLandC I was so ticked off because it tells the parents the reason they can't deal with their damaged child is because they haven't dealt with their own traumatic past. Well, that ticked me off because I hadn't been abused or neglected and I was just in over my head adopting three detached and crazy children. A year later and actually picking up the book looking for a little guidance with my 15 year old biological son I re-read a couple chapters and viewed things differently. It says that the things the kids do cause my childhood fears to resurface... hmmm. I did have some childhood fears, I'm not 100% of what they all were. Afraid of the dark, having to talk to strangers, getting caught... really normal things, but maybe things I thought I had worked through, but never really did. The book suggests putting my issues aside and dealing with the child, when the fears surface and then going back, closing ones eyes and typing out ones thoughts. Thus the formation of this blog. I'm going to try to start drudging up my fears from my childhood to see if they help me find myself and not be so afraid so that I can help all of my deregulated children find safety - not guaranteeing love, but hopefully safety and security. Don't have time for more than that tonight, need sleep to deal with a week of Troy in China - maybe not a good week to start, but if I went by that I'd never start : ) Hopefully I can help Grant work through his stresses and fears also and we can find a good relationship again. That is really my end goal, but I think I've got to find my control before I can help him (otherwise I try to control him, not on purpose - out of fear of him being like me, instead of supporting him in making hard choices and LETTING him make those choices). Good night Me