2012

We've had the flu around here for the past 12 days.  The week before I had been reading in my scriptures and trying to figure out how I'm suppose to live the next three and a half years under the same roof as T and not totally be a witch.  I used to like and love things, now I have PTSD that certain events, thoughts, smells, sounds trigger fear and anxiety to the point I become angry, mean, depressed or frozen in the blink of an eye.  I'm feeling a little pressure because I had been hoping to have things resolved or at least to a live able place before we moved into the new house.  Now I've been realizing not much has really changed in the past three years as I always tell people.  Yes the kids speak English and try at school, probably out of fear of the crazy mom.  I know I have to forgive and move on, but I continually think that I have done that or have let somethings go when in reality one little whatever takes me back... definitely not as far, but still drops me back down the hole I've been climbing out of.  I know I've got to move forward and quit feeling sorry for myself and just be okay that no one knows the lies and stories she tells just out fear or out of how she thinks it should be (the life she lives in her head).  But when things get back to me or the therapist tells me that I've ruined her life and taken her country and her language from her... A lot of the anger just reappears *, just like that!  I shut down and can't stand to be in the same room as her, I make comments under my breath or am sarcastic with her.  I quit trying and then it is soooo much more difficult to get back to the strange relationship that we had before I let anything seep back in. 

So once again, it is me, the mom, that she doesn't want, who doesn't want to care anymore, to make amends, say sorry, smile my fake smile and pretend life is good.  At least she doesn't freeze and stop talking when I walk in the room if she thinks I'm happy.  And after pretending for a few days everyone relaxes and things flow a little smoother, but I just don't want to put my self out there again.  Because then I start to act like a mom to her and I allow myself to get slapped in the face for the 1000th time.  I think things are ok and offer to drive her to her games so I can have other moms drive her when troy or I can't.  We get it planned out and all week she takes off and rides with someone else before I get there.  It is EXHAUSTING!  Troy's traveled a lot so far this year and either she's great when he's gone or totally a b*tch.  One night she didn't return any of my 7 txt's or morgans and didn't get home till 7pm, game was over at 4:30.  She was with the coach.  Things like that make me CRAZY.  And then of course I end up frustrated with Troy before and after he leaves and when he bends over to help her - which really is helping me, but ticks me off because other kids could use a look or a glance.  Morgan has been asking for a daddy daughter date and is trying to learn Spanish, I think half of it is it's something that just she and Troy have and no one can take that from her and dad.  It's there thing.  Victor and Ana try to use spanish every now and then, I think because they see Morgs getting the attention.  They all die for his look or moment.  All Ethan is asking for for his birthday is to go fishing for the day with just his dad.  Hopefully it will happen.  I think it will, it's something Troy loves.  Grant and I were looking back at some pictures the other day when the kids were little and every where we went Ethan had a fishing pole in his hand.  Maybe it was a gift he was blessed with, the patience to fish, so that he would always have that daddy time.

I had never thought of myself as a jealous person, but this adoption has made it come out in every way imaginable!  I have so many areas to work on in my life.  Pride, humility, love, kindness, giving and service... I used to enjoying helping others and knowing what was going on in others lives, and here I am some days can't think beyond not giving up on me and the family...  Service would help, but I can't seem to think about it long enough to really help anyone.  I'm so self centered and feel sorry for myself, I can't think of others long enough to do anything for them.  I am trying and I have at least recognized it these past couple months.  It really used to be something I found joy in and now I do things because asked, without that joy. 

I shouldn't find joy in the physical things, but I have enjoyed and found happiness in building this new home.  I love thinking about it and planning how it can help our family, but what a selfish thing.  Is it like worshiping an idol?  Has it become my idol and will destroy my family when I care more for my home than my family?  I know some is fears and anxiety.  I get caught up in how and what the future is going to be like and surviving for 4 years instead of trying to enjoy the here and now and finding happiness in what the kids are doing and achieving.  I guess I do in small amounts, but it doesn't last as long as the stress of worring about what things will be like when T is home, and if she will hide or eat with us etc.  As Troy pointed out all it takes is me going down and appologizing or talking with her and then she is back in her bubbly, I find it creepy, hyper smile la la world.  See not nice at all.  I still think she lives in some pretend reality, I do acknowledge that it has in some areas merged with reality, but still far far away in another galaxy.  Then of course that trips me up a bit and I then hide in my closet, eat chocolate or avoid her so I don't have to see her bounce or smile that stretched beyond possibility smile. 

The embassy of the UK send us a paper reminding us that we haven't sent in our yearly information on the kids and that they would like to know how they are being treated.  I would love to write a very nasty letter to them and encourage them to not allow children to be adopted, but then I think of amazing Amy and how she and Jeff are saving two more children from a terrible orpahanage life and then I think I've got to find the positive to send to them, but I get stumped and can't decipher how to explain that the crap and abuse that T has brought into my life has in some ways strengthened my relationships with my biological children and really that is my positive through all of this.  Still not something I think the UK consolate is going to find good about their wonderful children.  Hmmm, sarcasm, don't think they would appriciate that either, but maybe it would go right over their heads.

Well, I'm secretly hoping that by putting a couple of these things down that have ticked me off with T these past couple months will help me forgive and heal.  So that I can RELAX and maybe ENJOY being around my children, well Heavenly Fathers children.  Or at least give me a little insight of why He loves them and wants me to love them too.  I would like to strangle their mother and put her in the tank for a month to dry out and step up and help me out from up there.  I guess I should express gratitude for the angels and loved ones who put up with my crap and have saved me from myself on numerous occassions!  Thank you for loving a crabby old witch.  Especially when I want to boil everyone or bake myself in the oven.  I'm not suicidal, looking back was at a couple different times, but I am surfacing, just haven't found the soft spot in my heart to open and let T beat on once again.  Still pretty guarded there.